By Eric Levine, Ed.D., with Courtney Kelly
One in 14 American children has a parent with a mental health condition. And children whose parents are struggling with mental illness become adults whose parents are struggling with mental illness. Whether or not this means that they also become their parents’ caretakers, it guarantees they’ll have to manage a thorny, at times extremely distressing, family dynamic. If this is something you don’t need us to tell you, we’d like to offer you a little support. Cultivating a healthy relationship with your mother or father is possible, and you don’t have to do it alone.
Put Your Oxygen Mask on First
“Relationship building requires interactions, and interacting with a parent who has a mental illness can be hard, often painful,” observes Colleen Green, Associate Clinical Director at CooperRiis Healing Community. “For this reason, it’s critical to nurture a strong support network for yourself.” Joining affiliate groups, such as the National Alliance on Mental Health’s (NAMI) Family Support Groups, is a great way to establish or expand such networks.
The groups are not only safe spaces to connect around shared experiences, they’re also gateways to resources you can lean on as you navigate your relationship with your parent. Combine the resources with your friendships and “you’ll have access to the validation, care, and comfort you need when you’re unable to source these things from your mother or father,” says Green.
Manage Your Expectations
When we don’t receive enough approval or affection as children, it’s natural for us to look for someone to fill that void when we grow up. “Try not to expect your aging mother or father to be that person,” Green cautions. “For one thing, it may not be realistic given their mental health condition. For another, focusing on the signs of love you’re not receiving will mean you miss the signs of love you are.”
This doesn’t mean that you don’t need people showing you love the way you want to receive it. That’s where your friends and other loved ones can step in. When you have friends looking after you, it’s easier to avoid taking your parent’s manipulative or hostile behavior personally. The unfortunate truth is that the people closest to those with mental illness are most often the ones suffering the consequences of their symptoms. While you can’t change the fact that this is painful, you can reduce the amount of pain it causes by:
- Consulting resources made available through organizations like NAMI to educate yourself about your parent’s condition and symptoms.
- Being mindful that those symptoms can manifest themselves during any interaction you have with your parent.
- Having a plan of action to protect yourself when those symptoms do arise.
Set and Reinforce Firm Boundaries
This plan should include protocols for setting and reinforcing boundaries. When emotions start running high between family members, the path of least resistance often involves falling back into established roles. More often than not, doing so feeds an unhealthy dynamic that’s detrimental to all parties involved. To interrupt such a pattern, use your understanding of your parent’s condition to anticipate the ways their symptoms might flare up. Then, prep some responses that respectfully call attention to the behavior, communicate how it makes you feel, and outline a healthy route forward.
You might consider the fact that the process of aging involves some loss of autonomy. Layer a mental health condition on top of that and your parent may very well feel that they have no control over their lives. They may compensate by trying to control you, but if you are aware of that, you can preempt any manipulation tactics.
The more knowledge and empathy you can cultivate around your parent’s experiences, the less likely you’ll be to take their actions personally. But being mindful of the challenges your mother or father faces does not mean becoming their punching bag. In some situations, the best thing for both you and your parent might be some distance. Limiting the types of interactions you have to those that facilitate neutral or positive experiences for you both, at least temporarily, may be necessary to promote healing.
Treat Recovery Like a Team Sport
Treatment for mental health conditions is most effective when the people receiving it, loved ones, and providers all work together as a team. For this reason, you need to secure your parent’s buy-in before you initiate any kind of recovery plan. Broach the subject of seeking professional help gradually and collaboratively. Make a point to emphasize both that you’re on your parents’ side and that you believe in their ability to recover.
While engaging in conversations about recovery, be mindful of generational differences in attitudes toward psychological conditions. It’s important to address any stigma your parent might have around mental illness before pushing them into treatment. And, once they start treatment, don’t be surprised if symptoms appear to worsen at first.
“The recovery process is messy,” explains Green. “Healing means undergoing change, and change is scary, so your parent may respond to treatment with some ugly emotions born out of fear.” Should the display of those emotions threaten your well-being, you can protect yourself by enlisting the help of a third party. This third party should be someone who can successfully intercede on your behalf if your mother or father isn’t receptive to your input. When that individual, you, and your parent’s providers are all saying the same things, it’s more likely your parent will listen.
This is why, if you’re one of your parent’s primary caretakers, it’s helpful for them to sign a release of medical information to you. Doing so will enable their providers to collaborate closely with you throughout the course of your parent’s treatment. The more information you share with each other, the better supported your parent will be.