Interpersonal boundaries, when properly expressed, allow individuals in a relationship to feel safe and secure. These feelings of safety and security support the sharing of the self and facilitate intimacy. The healthiest individuals approach intimate relationships with healthy boundaries already in place, thus minimizing the need to overtly state and reinforce these boundaries. People with a weak capacity to understand boundaries accept boundaries from others that they cannot create on their own. Unhealthy individuals, who either are poor at perceiving boundaries, or who intentionally violate them, most notably those suffering from symptoms of personality disorder, are offended by boundaries and resist or test the boundaries of others.
Setting boundaries with others requires confrontation. You must state to another person that there are some behaviors, or absence of behaviors, that are unacceptable. Many people are uncomfortable with confrontation because they see it as an aggressive act. Many people express boundaries harshly either because they are anxious about the confrontation or because they don’t know of any other way. In the following paragraphs you will learn how to set boundaries with others in a gentle and compassionate way.
A common example is when people wish to live in a smoke free environment. Healthy individuals do not walk into other people’s homes and light up. They ask the host if it is OK to smoke and cheerfully abstain if the answer is “no”. Individuals with weak personal boundaries might walk into someone’s home and without thinking about it light up. This requires the setting of a boundary: the host must confront the guest and tell them not to smoke in the house. Examples of aggressive confrontation are:
“Get that cigarette out of here right now!”
“How dare you smoke in my house!”
“What kind of person lights up in someone else’s house?”
This style of boundary setting is often seen as condescending, or sometimes contemptuous. At best, this will accomplish the goal of not allowing others to smoke in your home, but it will do so with damage to the relationship associated with your disrespectful expression. At worst, aggressive boundary setting can trigger oppositionality or defiance in individuals with symptoms of personality disorder. In this example, this might take the form of outright defiance, such as continuing to smoke after being told not to, or putting the cigarette out on a piece of furniture or carpet. Alternatively, it might take the form of getting around the boundary such as by smoking in the bathroom with a window open and a fan on, or vaping in the house.
The best boundary setting results will be achieved when boundaries are set as gently as possible. These are some guidelines as to how to formulate ways to present boundaries gently. You may not be able to use all of these elements in every situation. Each suggestion offers benefit and they are synergistic when used together.
- Tone of voice is extremely important regardless of the words you choose. Speak in a soft and compassionate voice.
- Be respectful rather than demanding.
- Show appreciation that the other person’s respecting your boundary requires effort or sacrifice on their part.
- Offer suggestions to make them comfortable with compliance with your boundaries.
If you have to set a no smoking boundary with guests in your home, a gentle format might sound something like this.
“We are so excited to have you visit our home. We know that you are a smoker and we don’t have any indoor smoking areas, so we set up some chairs and firepit for you on our deck. Please let us know if there is anything else we can do to make you more comfortable. We appreciate your kindness.”
Naturally, it is more challenging to be gentle once a stated boundary is violated. Intentional or frequent violations of your boundaries are reason to reconsider whether or not the person should continue to be part of your life. Even under this circumstance, a gentle approach to confrontation will still yield the best results. In this example it might sound like the following.
“I must insist that you not smoke in my home but is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable so that we can continue to enjoy our time together?”
Relationships will benefit from use of the gentle approach to boundary setting. In addition, confrontation is a very useful method of communication. Adding gentle confrontation to your communication toolbox will give you greater facility in communicating with others.