Noelle McWard LCSW

I have a confession to make. I am a therapist, and I am not always good at sitting with my feelings. It can be hard. Some feelings are painful and uncomfortable to feel. I would much rather move to problem-solving, something I am good at and that can often be useful. But there is a problem with bypassing feelings too quickly by going straight to the solution—or by suppressing them, distracting from them, or numbing yourself from them so you don’t have to feel them.

If you don’t let yourself feel your feelings, you cannot receive the messages they have for you. Failing to do so may mean that you stay in unhealthy situations for too long or you don’t take healthy risks that might lead to growth and new opportunities. It may mean that you miss learning something important or valuable about yourself that will enhance your sense of self or the quality of your life. And in the worst-case scenarios, the efforts made (conscious or unconscious) to avoid your feelings may lead to self-destructive behaviors such as substance abuse, eating disorders, over-shopping, or self-harm.

There may be many valid reasons why you struggle to feel your feelings. They may feel overwhelming and you may fear that they will overpower your ability to cope with them. You may have grown up in a home environment where feelings were not valued, or where there was no modeling or encouragement for recognizing and attending to your feelings. You may have been raised in an environment where disconnecting from your feelings was the best coping strategy available to you and actually helped you. Even in the presence of these challenges, you can learn to sit with your feelings in a healthy and manageable way. It is a skill anyone can develop at any stage in life, with practice.

What does it actually mean to “sit with your feelings”? It means to first notice them. And then to welcome them in, with curiosity, rather than seeking to avoid, repress, or distract from them. To be curious means to wonder why they are there, and what message they may have for you. It also means sitting in the discomfort that may accompany your feelings, without the need to avoid the uneasiness. This requires skills and strategies to help you to be in the discomfort without being overwhelmed by it.

So how do you do this? You start by noticing and naming your feelings when they appear. There are a number of ways you can practice doing this.

1. Journaling is an excellent practice that can help you gain greater access to your feelings and provide a container for them. You can approach journaling in a number of different ways. You can commit to spending a few minutes each day writing down whatever thoughts and feelings come to you, in a stream-of-consciousness fashion. Doing so can give you greater access to feelings, and a place to put them which can act as a container for them. You can view this as getting the thoughts/feelings out of your head and onto paper so you don’t need to keep dwelling on them. You may also use journal prompts such as:
   • One thing that felt hard today is:
   • One thing that felt good today is:
   • One thing that feels challenging right now is:
   • One thing that I feel proud of right now is:
   • One thing that felt hard today is:
   • One thing that felt good today is:
   • One thing that feels challenging right now is:
   • One thing that I feel proud of right now is:
     
     These prompts can help you to access a full range of feelings.
2. In naming the feelings you are feeling, try to look beyond any stories or thoughts you have attached to those feelings, and just be curious about them. You may reflect on:
   1. Why am I feeling this right now?
   2. What message is being sent to me through this feeling?
   3. What do my feelings want me to know?
   4. When else have I felt this and what did it mean then?
3. Observe your feelings without judgment. Don’t label them as good or bad. They just are. Feelings are real, but they are not facts. And, they are what is present right now, not forever. Feelings come and go. This is a shift in perspective that can help you to tolerate feelings and lessen the need to avoid them. By paying attention to your feelings, they won’t have the need to keep upping the ante to get your attention.
4. Be compassionate with yourself. Recognize that some feelings are painful and hard. Speak to yourself about this the way you would a friend. If the feelings make sense in the context of life circumstances, acknowledge that and be kind to yourself. Recognize that everyone feels hard things and struggles at times.
5. Think of your feelings as waves in the ocean. Some are soft and gentle, others turbulent and powerful, and some have the force of a hurricane or tsunami. But no matter how powerful the wave, its energy is always reabsorbed back into the ocean, returning to a state of calm. Your feelings are the waves, you are the ocean. Viewing your feelings this way may help you to tolerate the discomfort of whatever feeling is present.
6. Enlist the support of a mental health professional who can serve as a guide to identifying your feelings, helping you to feel safe in doing so, and examining with you what they mean, and what you might want to do with them.
   
   The benefit for you in feeling your feelings is that you gain the opportunity to learn and grow from them and to make changes in your life (big or small) that will be aligned with your authentic self and greatest self-interest.