How these little words can change your life.
KEY POINTS
- A simple switch in conjunctions can change our mood or state of mind.
- The conjunction “or” divides, whereas “and” unites.
- Embracing the “and” can allow you to “have your cake” and… you know the rest.
We all learned about conjunctions in grade school, a memory likely filed away with other early school memories, such as how to do long division and reciting multiplication tables through the number 12. What you may recall about conjunctions is that they are parts of speech used to connect phrases, words, clauses, or sentences. We use them all the time but usually without giving them the time of day. Yet we should celebrate one conjunction that stands high above the rest: the word “and.” And to give “and” its rightful due, let me capitalize it: AND.
The words we use, and how we use them, can have powerful psychological effects. If we say to ourselves that we screwed up, we take ownership of our actions and recognize our mistakes. But that’s very different than saying to ourselves that we are a “screw-up.” The latter case speaks of our essence, not our actions, and it can set the stage for the kinds of self-damning thoughts we often see in people with depression and low self-esteem.
“And” Unites, “Or” Divides
The common conjunction “or” can also affect our state of mind. With “and,” we have this and that; but with “or,” we have this or that. “Or” divides things into distinct categories, such as success or failure, weak or strong, wanted or unwanted. When we dip into the pool of “or,” our experience of the world comprises mutually exclusive categories. With “or,” it’s one way or the other, as the conjunction demands we see things in black or white terms, never in shades of gray.
The thinking patterns of people with negative emotions like anxiety and depression often involve dichotomous categories, a type of cognitive distortion cognitive behavior therapists label “all or nothing thinking.” Thinking dichotomously creates a mental trap of treating any less-than-perfect outcome as a complete failure, applying absolutist standards that fail to credit anything but perfection.
This brings us to “and,” a conjunction I nominate for a smiley face emoji. Whereas “or” separates things into mutually exclusive categories, “and” unites things, bestowing grace in a world in which two things can be true at the same time, that we can fall short of perfection and still be successful. Embracing “and” can be liberating. “And” connects things. “And” brings things together. You can think of “and” as the friendly conjunction.
With “and,” you may want others to meet your needs and still accept them if they don’t. With “or,” you accept them conditionally only when they agree with you or satisfy your needs. With “and,” we can have our cake and, yes, eat it too.
We often fall into a habit of dividing things into mutually exclusive categories separated by an “or” rather than an “and.” Use of the term “or” limits our thinking. We can either be a success or a failure, anxious or calm, liked or not liked. But with “and,” you can accept being liked and disliked, and being calm and also anxious sometimes.
Make It an “And” Day
A simple switch in conjunctions can have powerful effects. Substituting “and” for “or,” or for one of its conjunctive cousins such as “nor” or “either,” or worse yet, “but,” can change your mood and state of mind. So make it an “and” kind of day by uniting, not dividing. If things have not turned out the way you expected, recognize you can be disappointed and still make the most of what you have. With “and,” we can have this and that; but with “or,” we can only have this or that.
A patient I saw in therapy felt immobilized by anxiety. “I really can’t do anything,” he would say, “until I get rid of this anxiety.” He let opportunities fly by and regretted missed chances to make changes in his life. “If only,” he would think, “I didn’t have all this anxiety. I could really live my life.” When the “or” crept into his thinking, he sliced and diced the world into dichotomous categories: “I can be anxious” or “I can live my life.” As he worked on making changes, he shifted his thinking, coming to see that anxiety wasn’t preventing him from living his life. He could go out with friends, call someone for a date, and do other things while feeling anxious at the same time. He began living more fully by embracing the “and.” Whenever we think dichotomously, we convince ourselves we cannot be happy in life unless or until ___ (fill in the blank). But “and” begs to differ, inviting you to join, not avoid; to unite, not divide. You can wait to change your life until you overcome fear or anxiety. By using “and,” we can accept our fear and anxiety and live our life in spite of it.
Embrace the “And”
We live in highly polarized times, a throwback to the tribalism of us versus them. If you’re not one of us—religiously, politically, ethnically—you’re one of them. Opposed to this either-or way of dividing the world, embracing the “and” means that we can disagree without being disagreeable, and that disagreement doesn’t render the other person morally bankrupt, lacking any value, or undeserving of respect. By embracing the “and,” we can disagree with someone and still be friends with them and share a family dinner or Thanksgiving. The litmus test for liking is not dependent on siding on one side or the other of the either/or dialectic, nor does it rest on finding a hallowed ground of a synthesis of opposites. It simply allows “and” to bring things together.
General Disclaimer: The content here and in other blog posts on the Minute Therapist is intended for informational purposes only and not for diagnosis, evaluation, or treatment of mental health disorders. If you are concerned about your emotional well-being or experiencing any significant mental health problems, I encourage you to consult a licensed mental health professional in your area for a thorough evaluation.
© 2024 Jeffrey S. Nevid.