Michelle P. Maidenberg Ph.D., MPH, LCSW-R, CGP

A window into better understanding and improving yourself and your relationships.

Key points

• Trauma can lead to significant physiological, emotional, and relational changes and responses.
• To heal trauma, it’s important to know its direct impact intrapersonally and interpersonally.
• The healing process includes noticing, accepting, and being curious about our wounded parts.

Biology of Trauma

Exposure to trauma leads to a cascade of biological changes and stress responses. There are changes in the amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex areas of the brain. There are physiological changes in limbic system functioning, activity changes on the hypothalamic–pituitary–adrenal axis with variable cortisol levels, and neurotransmitter-related dysregulation of opioid systems.

Studies show that adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) such as abuse, neglect, and other traumas affect brain development and increase a person’s vulnerability to developing chronic diseases and other physical illnesses, mental health challenges, substance-related disorders, and impairment in other life areas.

Direct Intrapersonal Impact of Trauma

Patients I see who experienced various types of big-T (more significant) and little-t (less significant) traumas often report having negative thoughts, feelings, and reactions to their thoughts and feelings impacted by trauma. They describe feeling “bad,” “mean,” and “abnormal” for thinking, feeling, and reacting the way in which they do. Their self-blame, confusion, lack of control over their bodies, emotional dysregulation, and compromised cognition, among other things, often leave them feeling exasperated, agitated, and hopeless.

Direct Interpersonal Impacts in Relationships

In context to relationships, trauma can spill over dynamically in our interpersonal relationships, thereby challenging relational interconnection. It can contribute to hypervigilance (avoidance)/hyperarousal (triggering responses), difficulty with forming new memories and experiences, and intermittent or frequent feelings of detachment or numbness and/or panic and anxiety.

The way in which it may play out includes misunderstanding and/or misinterpreting events and situations, defensiveness and protectiveness, feeling a lack of personal and physical safety, excessive guilt and shame contributing to negative self-image and self-confidence, general insecurity, attachment and intimacy issues, intrusive thoughts, and spontaneous and impulsive behaviors.

This can have a direct impact on communication, asserting appropriate boundaries and needs, avoiding deeper and more vulnerable intimate connection, and acting out based on inhibitions or fears and to avoid negative memories, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are being evoked.

How to Heal the Wounded Parts

We all experience trauma to some extent. It’s inherent in being human. We collectively suffer; no one is immune from it. These are life experiences and situations that leave a long-lasting negative effect. Our brain and body hold on to these memories to protect us from future unfortunate occurrences whether or not it was or is under our control. That’s distinctly why we hold onto painful memories and why joyful and satisfying ones tend to be fleeting.

Working With and Healing Your Trauma

The healing process includes noticing, accepting, and being curious about your wounded parts. Take the time to explore these parts. Consider the following:

1. Recognizing that it’s part of you and not all of you: It doesn’t define you, or speak to who you are, nor does it have to inform or dictate your behavior.
2. Exercising perpetual curiosity and studying yourself: Notice the dimensions of your trauma. What symptoms arise (e.g., self-doubt, projected anger, easily feeling abandoned and rejected)? What types of thoughts, feelings, body sensations, or behavior are prompted based on certain circumstances, when you get triggered, etc.?
3. Identifying the negative core beliefs that were formed: What perceptions were culminated about yourself, others, and the world based on what you experienced? Are these leaning you toward or away from being your best self and living the life you want?
4. What fears and insecurities you are challenged with: How do these inform the way you think, feel, and behave?
5. What your natural defenses, coping strategies, and adaptations are: Are you relying on these even when you don’t need to, which serves to be counterproductive? What would it be like to loosen the grip on these if it would better serve you? What would then show up for you?
6. How this is impacting your relationships: Are you preemptively formulating judgments and assumptions about yourself and others? Are you holding back from being open and vulnerable, and in what way?
7. How present and compassionate you are to yourself and others: Are you really connecting viscerally to your self-love and self-compassion? Are you accepting, receiving, and connecting with the love that’s conveyed to you?
8. Whether you’re putting adequate time and effort toward healing: It’s a process that needs time and attention paid to it. Healing entails a multisystemic approach—taking into consideration the mind, body, and distinct behavioral patterns and activations.

It’s perfectly understandable and OK to think and feel the way in which you do. It’s the actions you take that can bring about an outcome predicated on resilience, growth, and positive and hopeful progression. You have the power to decide whether you communicate, connect, or participate or whether you choose to judge, defend against, or disconnect.

If you’re acting from your wounded subconscious or unconscious part, rather than from your present and cultivated part, you run the risk of behaving in a way that’s remote from being your best and authentic self. That could wreak havoc on your life and relationships.

Learn everything you can about yourself. If you’re open to it, share this information with your intimate partners and close confidantes. Learn to appreciate all parts of you. They equally signify your essence and what’s so incredible about you. Healing is a process that opens you up to new possibilities, experiences, and inner peace.