Amelia Kelley Ph.D.

Introverts and extroverts resolve conflict in very different ways.

• Introverts need more time to process emotions related to conflict as compared to extroverts.
• Extroverts receive more of a dopamine reward from relating to others and their outside world.
• Extroverts more often seek out the ability to process with their partner in the midst of conflict.

In relationships, many of us are drawn to people who are different from ourselves — as the challenge can be very attractive. That is, until conflict arises, and many are left asking, “Who is this person and where did the one I first met go?” What initially draws us to each other can also become the thing that most frustrates us in the long-term (for example being drawn to someone who is laid back and relaxed, who in the future struggles to initiate plans or remember to get things done). This can be especially true for introvert-extrovert couples where each partner can have many opposing ways they interact with the world around them.

To help these couples reconnect with what first drew them to their partner, the following 4-step plan will help these couples figure out how to navigate conflict, and improve the chance of long-term relationship success.

Step 1: Get Curious

According to research based on several personality theories, we all fall along a spectrum of introversion and extroversion as opposed to being two defined personality types. Keeping this in mind when navigating conflict with your partner is important. Try to remain curious about the other person’s perspective and take moments to think of times you felt the same way. If it feels too difficult to relate to your partner when you are angry with them, most people (both introverts and extroverts) benefit from small breaks from the conflict (and even physical space for some) to regain their ability to self-regulate. This allows your nervous system to become a calm and safe place for your partner to return to. For introverts, the time needed may be longer than for extroverts. To truly empathize with your partner, and see things from their perspective, it helps to understand their emotional experiences as an introvert or extrovert.

Step 2: Understanding Introvert Patterns

A common trait of introversion is the tendency to regain energy and clarity from going within. These individuals recharge more often on their own and need less stimulation to get many of their needs met. For this reason, the way they resolve conflict, and even relate to others, differs from extroverts. Introverts in conflict most often:

• Need extra time either during conflict or after a conflict to fully process their feelings which helps return their nervous system to a calm parasympathetic state. Some introverts will need sleep or deep rest.
• They can feel more stimulated as compared to extroverts due to their higher cortical arousal, leading them to feel more aroused, making it more difficult to formulate their responses. Many report feeling tongue-tied, or “always knowing what they wanted to say after the fact”.
• Discomfort with asserting themselves or setting boundaries unless they feel safe and comfortable with the other person or issue being explored.

Common Issues Introverts May Bring Up in Relationships

• The need for alone time.
• Struggling to socialize as much as the extrovert wants to.
• Feeling like their emotions do not matter or are not listened to.
• Feeling overwhelmed, leading to chronic stress responses or mental health issues.

While conflict can be difficult for some introverts, these individuals also bring great value to conflicts if their partner agrees to slow down and work with their traits.

Positives Characteristics Introverts Bring to Relationships

• The ability to be more conscientious of their responses when given enough time to process them, leading to creative ideas and methods for conflict resolution.
• They tend to be highly effective listeners, which works well with extroverted partners who like to express themselves, if each partner is mindful to take turns when speaking.
• A heightened ability to forgive because they take the necessary time to fully process through their emotions.
• The ability to slow down and become less likely to engage in unnecessary or harmful conflict.

Step 3: Understanding Extrovert Patterns

Extroverts tend to regain their energy both emotionally and physically from the outside world and the experiences they have in it. There is a biological reason for this, as research shows that extroverts receive higher amounts of dopamine as compared to introverts when engaging in new experiences or with new people. This makes it more rewarding for these individuals to put themselves out into the world more often, even if it can be taxing at times.

What this means, is that when it comes to conflict resolution, most extroverts will project their energy outward towards their partner to resolve conflict, as opposed to naturally going inward to process issues like their introverted partner may tend to do. Other characteristics of extroverts in conflict include:

• Wanting to talk about conflict with their partner until it is resolved.
• Struggling with alone time when they are feeling dysregulated and wanting their partner present to help them feel better (even if the conflict is with their partner).
• Being quicker to respond, almost as if they already know exactly what they want to say.
• Feeling more comfortable being assertive and setting boundaries- as long as past relationship trauma has not imposed on these natural skills.

Common Issues Extroverts May Bring Up in Relationships

• Feeling frustrated if their introverted partner does not want to be as social or active as they do.
• Feeling ignored or lonely if their introverted partner needs time alone.
• Feeling bored or under-stimulated, which may lead them to initiate conflict to reengage with their partner (and not always in the healthiest way).

While not always having the options to resolve issues in the moment can be difficult for extroverts, these individuals also bring great value to conflict resolution if their partner is willing to work with their traits.

Positives Characteristics Extroverts Bring to Relationships

• Likely to talk through problems and address conflict, not allowing things to be overlooked or ignored.
• Highly effective at working in groups, making it more likely they will work well with their partner if they work on remaining self-regulated.
• Willing to try new things and approaches to solving problems, allowing for creativity when finding solutions.

Step 4: Working Together on Timing and Boundaries

Understanding the common traits, needs, and strengths introverts and extroverts both bring to a relationship is helpful for finding actionable ways to work together. Keeping these things in mind, the following methods are helpful conflict resolution skills for all relationships.

It is helpful to establish how much time each partner needs for breaks from conflicts (preferably before the conflict arises). Some boundaries require compromise, such as if the more introverted partner would like an entire day to process a conflict they may instead agree to come back to their partner to do something calming together, such as watching a movie or cooking together. It is important not to bypass resolving the conflict, however, which is where the more extroverted partner’s strength for reapproaching conflict is helpful. If tensions are still high, alternative methods can be used such as writing down emotions in a text or email or setting a date to discuss the issue when both people feel safe doing so.

Prolonging conflict resolution can cause high levels of distress for both partners, but especially the more extroverted partner who finds relief from talking about their emotions as they occur. In these cases, it is important the extrovert find ways to self-regulate and cope; such as talking to a friend (if this is agreed upon by the couple) journaling, or working out their frustration physically with exercise. Doing so can help the extroverted partner give the introverted partner the time and space they need, while also taking care of themselves.

Continue Learning From Each Other

There is good reason many couples have complementary traits to one another. As humans, we seek to learn, grow, and thrive from healthy challenges. All of this helps increase our self-awareness, self-esteem, and even self-love. If we can continue to approach our partner with curiosity and empathy, we can start to appreciate that neither introverts nor extroverts have the best approach to conflict resolution, but rather each can bring out the best in the other.

References

https://health.clevelandclinic.org/introvert-vs-extrovert

Petric, D. (2022). The introvert-ambivert-extrovert spectrum. Open Journal of Medical Psychology, 11(3), 103-111.