Mental health conditions are common. One in five U.S. adults experience a mental illness and global estimates show at least 50 percent of us will experience a mental health condition in our lifetime. Decades of research have documented the relationship between parental mental health and that of their children: The mechanisms are complex and include hereditary factors (genetic and historical trauma, for example) as well as social-environmental factors, such as stress, financial stability, and the neighborhoods we live in. Parenthood is an incredibly important gift. Yet society does not meaningfully support families experiencing mental illnesses. I spoke with three mental-health advocates who are also parents living with mental health conditions. Here is some of the wisdom shared.
Prioritize self-awareness, self-love, and self-care
As parents, we are often bombarded with messages that we must sacrifice endlessly to give our kids the best life possible. This message has been exponentially harmful to women and primary caregivers who often give up careers, health, and relationships to be there for their kids. These actions often leave us depleted, resentful, and not the best version of ourselves. All of the parents I spoke to referred to the importance of learning what kind of “me time” was needed to support their mental health and how this practice of self-love and self-care resulted in better parenting and family relationships.
For Devika Bhushan, a pediatrician, immigrant, and mother who lives openly with bipolar disorder, sleep has to be prioritized. Inadequate sleep is a well-known trigger for mood episodes in bipolar disorder. She and her husband, Ashish, have created a collaborative team approach, in which her husband ensures that he is available for overnight and early morning needs for their toddler. In turn, her husband can take breaks in the evening, while she spends one-on-one bonding time with her toddler; as she says, “Setting things up in this way helps to ensure that I’m my best and healthiest self as much of the time as I can be — and able to be the best parent and partner that I can possibly be.”
Empowering kids by keeping them informed
Parents spoke about being conscious of their children’s chronological and developmental age, both of which can impact their ability to understand the information provided to them. All three advocates said that they have or will inform their children about their mental-health condition and how it impacts their functioning. The decision to disclose such information to a child may be influenced by the severity of the condition and symptoms a parent experiences. For Bhushan, it is important that her toddler understands why he is not allowed to wake mommy up in the morning; he is also aware that his mother takes medication every day and needs it to stay healthy.
Sulman Mirza, a triple-board-certified psychiatrist who is active on social media (@sulmoney), says he has not yet disclosed his diagnosis of Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder to his four children, but he plans to use his personal narrative to promote their understanding of their own mental-health needs, if they should arise. He acknowledges the impact of mental illness and even intergenerational trauma on how parents raise their children, stating that he wants kids to know that “your parents are human beings who are trying their best, and they have their own struggles, but it (hopefully) does not make them love or care for you less.”
Growing wiser through struggles
The idea of post-traumatic growth helps us understand that struggles can come with wisdom, strength, and power. In the case of experiencing a mental illness, these parents said that their own experiences with missed diagnoses, and their impact on their functioning and overall health have created a helpful level of awareness about their kids’ needs and development, giving them the opportunity to support their children’s mental-health needs holistically, compassionately and as early as possible. Ashley Perkins is a pharmacist, educator, mental health advocate, and co-founder of We Matter Too. She also lives with PTSD, ADHD, and autism. “I think all of this has made me a more compassionate parent given my child is more than likely autistic and has ADHD as well,” she says.
Sharing collective wisdom
Using our lived experience to empower other parents is one way to be a mental health advocate and promote family health. Mirza reminds us, “You’re not alone. Parenting is a hard period, and adding in mental illness makes it harder. But it’s still doable.” He also wants parents to know that “It is not a guarantee that your kids will have the same conditions you have” but your experience gives you the wisdom to engage in prevention efforts and support them if they do develop a condition.
Perkins reminds us: “Sharing parts of your reality, which includes the challenges you go through, is okay because it allows your partner and your child to understand what it is you are dealing with. This allows them to support you. When you explain things to children in a way they understand, they grasp the concepts well. It also invites an environment of acceptance regarding mental health, and they will be more likely to open up to you when they are struggling because they know you understand.”
eamwork, perseverance, and creativity are important ingredients to make all of this work. Bhushan says: “You absolutely can be an incredible parent and partner with a well-managed chronic health condition, such as bipolar disorder. It just means you have to be willing to think creatively and put in constant work to prioritize your well-being so that you can be the best version of yourself, for your loved ones as well as for yourself.”
Teamwork, perseverance, and creativity are important ingredients to make all of this work. Bhushan says: “You absolutely can be an incredible parent and partner with a well-managed chronic health condition, such as bipolar disorder. It just means you have to be willing to think creatively and put in constant work to prioritize your well-being so that you can be the best version of yourself, for your loved ones as well as for yourself.”
Kids are capable of compassion and understanding if we give them the opportunity.
Kids are smart and perceptive. They pick up on changes in their parents’ mood and stress levels. Including them in tough conversations, in a developmentally appropriate way, can be an empowering experience for them to learn about health promotion from an early age. This can foster compassion and kindness, which they can extend to themselves and others around them. Perkins says that sharing about her mental health conditions with her son normalizes the full range of the human experience, ultimately opening up the space for him to share his own worries and struggles. She also notes that being open about her need to prioritize her health helps her son understand that it is not a lack of desire that prevents her from being with him at times, and instead helps him be more understanding about the differing needs of others when navigating meaningful relationships. Perkins’ son, Wyatt, wants other kids to know that “I love my mom no matter what” and that he appreciates being informed about his mom’s struggles. Perkins also reminds us that these conversations are ongoing and can be challenging, so make sure to remind kids that asking questions is always okay.
This post is also published on the TEKU Healing Corner Blog.